Survey
by Skydark
Summary: NC-17. Yaoi. EdxRoy. Short Answers Please.


"What are you reading?"

"Nothing."

"It has to be something, I saw you take it in there."

"It's nothing, just a book."

"A book is hardly nothing, what I find puzzling is that you're reading it under the blanket with a flashlight..and you took a grapefruit to bed with you. Are you hungry? I can make you something. It's not like you to eat fruit, but then again, fruit is good for you so better I say nothing about that. You didn't take a spoon, though, how are you going to eat it?"

"I'm not going to eat it, I'm going to experiment with it, never mind, it's nothing."

"Experimenting on grapefruit in bed seems dubious. Unless, oh, do you think that a grapefruit simulates a vagina?"

"AL," Ed screamed, throwing the blanket off momentarily, "what are you saying? NO I don't think a grapefruit simulates a vagina, where do you get this stuff and why do youth think it? You're to young to use the word 'vagina' anyways."

"Well excuse me for being concerned about my brother in bed with fruit, I was just wondering, that's all, and you're only a year older than me, should you be saying 'vagina'?"

"I'm the elder," Ed snorted and nodded for emphasis, "so it's best I know these things in advance."

"I wouldn't use a grapefruit for an experimental vagina," Al said sagely, "I'm sure the citric acid would sting," and the armor clanked as Al closed his thighs in imagined sympathy.

Ed threw the blanket back over his head and hunkered up.

"It's not a vagina, quit saying that! Say something about kittens," Ed huffed from beneath his wool tent.

"You just want to keep me five forever," Al sighed, clanking as he shifted around on his bed. "I know a lot of unsavory words, and I know how to use them, too. I can conjugate with them, spell them, use them in a sentence..."

"OKOK I get it," Ed said, "say all the words I don't want to hear you say all you want where I can't hear you say them. Sheesh, let me read this already, would you? I have to know this stuff."

"What stuff?" Al questioned.

"Nothing," Ed replied.

Al wiped his leather gauntlet over his metal face and counted to ten; then twenty and all the way to ninety.

"Ok fine," he managed after that, then lay back and didn't sleep.

* * *

"Fullmetal," the colonel said with a smile in his voice and Ed averted his eyes so the bastard wouldn't see how pleased he was to be welcomed. He milled about the living room while the colonel did the niceties one does when they have guests. Offering a place to put his coat, fetching him a cup of coffee because he was out of juice.

"I'm sorry but I don't go to the grocery as often as I should," he said in way of apology.

"I'll forgive you depending on the amount of sugar you put in the cup," Ed offered in a way of acceptance.

"Oh I'll be well forgiven, then," the colonel said, amused.

They sat around for a bit in silence, because this is what they did. The colonel looked at last night's paper, _(Ed had seen the new one half way down the walk, but hadn't bothered to pick it up. It wasn't his paper after all. The bastard would wander out there eventually to get it)_ and Ed put his boots up on the coffee table and rested his mug on his belt buckle, seeing how long he could leave it there before it tipped over.

"Hey, I've been thinking," he said and the colonel glanced up and took a sip of his coffee, arching an eyebrow to indicated Ed had his interest. "You know whenever we get together and we do what it is I come over here to do.."

"Sex," the colonel said, folding the paper closed.

"Yeah, alright," Ed said, "let me finish a damn sentence. So anyhow I've been thinking. You know, you always get to be the sex-or and I'm always the sex-ee."

The colonel tiled his head back and worked his mouth back and forth, then crossed his legs and folded his arms over his chest.

Now Ed wasn't a master of reading body language, per se, but he was a master of watching the colonel work up to one of his elaborate, long winded explanations that would inevitably have Ed believing black was white and stop was go. But also this physical way of shutting Ed down at the mere mention of the colonel being anything other than the sex-or, _(Even though Ed had made no suggestion otherwise...he just knew the bastard could read his mind)_, seemed unfair and ageist.

"Just because you're older than me doesn't mean you always get to be the top," Ed said, mouth drawing in a hard line. "I think it's about time we started doing this on equal footing."

The colonel pursed his lips for a moment, seemed to study the ceiling and squinted up one eye.

"So ok, I read up on the subject," Ed said, "just so you don't get any of these notions you're gonna be a guinea pig or something," Ed sat up, leaned forward in his chair and pressed his hand to his chest, "I_am_ the Fullmetal Alchemist, you know. I didn't get there by not knowing what I'm doing."

"So you're saying that by virtue of _reading_ about anal penetration and not actually_practicing_ it, you've somehow managed to grasp all the subtleties and techniques associated with the homosexual experience?" the colonel waved his hand and then lay his arm over the back of the couch and let his eyebrow telegraph the message that he thought Ed was full of shit.

"Ah ha! That's where you're wrong! I have been practicing," Ed said smugly, folding his own arms.

"So you're cheating on me?" Roy said, lifting both eyebrows this time.

"Wha...NO NO NO, you know what, you're doing it again!" Ed jumped to his feet, and pointed at the man smirking on the couch. "I fuckin' hate you! I don't know why I bother to have sex with you at all!"

"Because I'm good," Roy said, swinging his foot back and forth, "because you like it, because I always make you howl. Because I always make you come like you have no fluids left in your body afterwards."

"You are disgusting," Ed sneered and threw himself back into the chair, "and I hate you."

"I notice you're not leaving, so tell me, if you were going to cheat on me, who would you cheat with?" the colonel said casually.

"I hadn't thought about it, but I might now...why?" Ed said, slouched down so far his butt was almost off the seat.

"I want to take the pre-emptive measure of firing them before you work up the nerve to approach them," the colonel said, "I don't like competition for your affections you see."

Ed stared at him for long moments, shifting back and forth a little, tapping his fingers on the arm chair before replying.

"Ok, that makes you fuckin' hot, I still hate you, but I think you're hot for being so loyal you know? I like loyal, I think it attributes to the hot-rating of a person."

"You have a scale? I'm very interested," the colonel sat up and forward, fixing Ed intently with his dark eyes and his half smirk and Ed scrabbled to get upright in his own chair again.

"You think I'm going to tell you my rating system, think again," Ed said. "I guess you'll just have to agonize over where you rank, because that's_personal_."

"Well I know I'm not number one on your list, I'm not alchemically inclined enough to make you moan my name in your sleep, unlike Paracelsus. Is the Alchemical Catechism porn for you?"

"I hate you," Ed sneered again. "I hate you so much, why do I even come here? It's brainwashing, somehow I've been brainwashed."

"I have a theory about why you come here," Roy said suddenly, his look shifting in an instant and the smirk sliding into more of a smile. "You come here because you like the conversation, you thrive on the intellectual challenges of our verbal contests and you can relax. You come here because sexual gratification is a release for you, something you need and won't admit. We're all strong and weak Edward, you come here because you like me and I like you, somethings are just that simple."

"I still hate you...you're going to let me on top, right?" Ed said, cheeks red and eyes adverted.

"I suppose so, let me start drinking," Roy said, getting up and heading for the bar.

"Yay for drinking!" Ed said cheerfully.

* * *

"Slick stuff, slick stuff, where the hell is that slick stuff?" Ed demanded, running around the bedroom in just his boxers. Roy lounged against the had board, finishing off his fourth scotch and water on the rocks.

"It's called lube," Roy supplied helpfully.

"I know that," Ed said, finally marching over to savage the bedside table. Roy reached out to steady the lamp as Ed yanked the drawer open and pawed in it. He located the bottle and took it out and slammed the drawer and Roy released the lamp and set his empty scotch glass down.

"Come here, you're all tense, let me rub your shoulders," the colonel offered and Ed eyed him a moment before climbing up on the bed and presenting his back. The colonel undid his braid, which had nothing to do with rubbing his shoulders but it was something the colonel always liked to do. But because the colonel had been drinking, after the unbraiding he shot the band Ed used to hold the braid across the room and hit the dresser with it.

"Ooo, five points," the colonel half snickered, then gripped Ed where his shoulder met his neck on either side. At first he squeezed really hard and Ed gritted his teeth and just took it, because that was the manly thing to do, but then he started to knead and rub and Ed sorta moaned, not knowing if that was manly or not.

"Why are you so tense?" the colonel murmured behind him, then the colonel shifted and leaned forward and as he kneaded he nosed around in Ed's hair and started to kiss at the back of his neck and Ed liked that, too. Presently the colonel left of the kneading and rubbing and wound his arms around Ed's chest and started to kiss and nip and suck where he'd been rubbing and that was _great_. In fact it was so great that Ed started to feel squirmy and hard.

"I dunno," Ed murmured, "or maybe I do. It's my first time you know. My first time doing the banging. Usually you do all this stuff to get me all relaxed and I'm trying to remember what it is you do so I can do that to you. I want it to be good because y'know, I like you and all, and I've studied really hard for this...fuck that feels good," Ed sighed as Roy's hands began to rub his chest and stomach and Roy's mouth traveled up the side of his neck. He was starting to feel all swimmy and rubbery, relaxed and warm.

"Always the perfectionist," the colonel murmured against his temple, then one of the colonel's hands slipped lower, cupping Ed's crotch. He could feel the warmth of the colonel's palm against his erection and he arched a bit into the sensation, rumbling softly in his chest.

_Wait a minute..._

"Hey, hey, HEY," Ed yelped, grabbing the colonel's wrist and _(regretfully but purposefully)_ removed his hand. "Just a damn minute, what are you doing? You're making me horny! That's not how this is suppose to go, _I'm_ suppose to be making _you_ horny."

"But you are," the colonel slurred slightly, trying to extract his wrist from a metal grip, "I'm very horny right now...you smell like motor oil...god that turns me on..."

"NO, NO, NO," Ed said and squirmed, managing to wiggle away and retreat to the foot of the bed. He bared his teeth and pointed at the colonel. But the colonel didn't look repentant, but he did look sorta flushed and relaxed. His bangs were all in his eyes, his shirt collar was unbuttoned, his pants were unbuttoned...damn the colonel looked good.

The colonel furrowed his brows and he...well fuck...it looked like he was pouting.

"Come back," the colonel cooed, "I promise not to feel you up to much, just a little. You still get to be the boss," and he held his arms out and wiggled his fingers.

"It's a trap," Ed hissed, and hating himself for being tempted. "You're suppose to be naked by now and I'm suppose to be doing stuff to you."

The colonel heaved this huge put-upon sounding sigh, but he did start to strip. He leaned forward, finished unbuttoning his shift and shrugged it off. The he pulled his undershirt over his head and Ed really enjoyed watching him do that because his shoulders and chest sorta stood out. The he did this funny wiggle, scootch, rocking side to side thing as he got his pants and underwear down. Ed helpfully pulled them the rest of the way off of him and tossed them on the floor.

The colonel always looked so comfortable naked. He never seemed to be shy or anything and he'd even walk around the house in _broad daylight_ not wearing a stitch. At first it made_Ed_ uncomfortable to see him do it, but gradually, Ed found he actually enjoyed it. He sort of wished he was like the colonel in that respect, not giving a damn about what anyone thought, _(his lover included, it seemed)_. Being confident enough in himself to just be himself, as he was. Ed had confidence, yes, of course he did. But it was a shield to be applied for the benefit of those around him and something he rarely used for his own benefit.

He was confident because Al need him to be; but left to his own devices he found that his inner self-esteem didn't quite measure up.

At least, it didn't before the colonel. It was the colonel that had started to shore him up in ways Al didn't. Shore him up in ways Al couldn't. Ed wasn't use to a support system that had a emergency back up contingency when his brother wasn't around. He wasn't use to a smirk and a pair of black eyes being all he needed for small moments of time that he stole for himself.

He wasn't use to being loved by someone other than the only person who understood him.

And he really wasn't use to anyone else understanding him.

Being loved was just as complicated as being _in_ love; and while that frightened him to a degree it also liberated him.

Who would have though such a complete and total bastard; a man who's morals waned in the light of morality; a hedonistic slacker with more luck that sense could be the only person, outside of his brother he could wholly trust?

He must really be a piss poor judge of character.

"I'm getting lonely over here," the greatest enigma to ever walk into Edward Elric's life whined, "I thought you wanted to bang me," and the colonel tried to flutter his eyelashes but he really looked like he was trying to get something out of his eyes.

Man was he sloshed, all those drinks must have been doubles.

It really sucked to be in love with a drunk bastard.

"I guess now that your naked we can finally get started," Ed said haughtily. He crawled back up the bed and Roy promptly spread his legs and Ed stopped and the colonel lifted an eyebrow.

"Before we get started," Ed said, "I just want to say that this is my first time on top, as you know, and I think there should be some sort of grading curve. I mean, sure I've been a participant all this time, but it's not like you went out of your way to really let me study the source materials."

"Source materials?" the colonel said, looking befuddled.

"I mean all the things that lead up to you banging me," Ed clarified, "yes I know I was there, but you make it really hard to concentrate and you don't' _explain_ anything as you're doing it..."

"Do you think I'm going to give you some sort of evaluation after you've banged me?" the colonel boggled.

"Well I would at least hope for some sort of constructive criticism for when I do this again," Ed said, sitting up on his knees and putting his hands on his hips.

"Ok, ok, point taken. Depending on how this goes we'll see if you ever get to do this again," the colonel said, sounding exasperated. "You know Ed, something things just _are_ and they don't have to be analyzed. You take all the sex out of sex when you try to give it some sort of scale."

"I took the liberty of making up a survey," Ed said. "I'll put it in your in box tomorrow, you don't have to be in a rush or anything to complete it, but y'know, more than a week is excessive."

"If you make me equate sex with paperwork I will never, ever forgive you," the colonel said dangerously, "now you're burning a good buzz I got going, get up here and fuck me while I still have all this liquid courage surging through my veins."

"I'm very enthused that you had to get tanked before you'd let me on," Ed said flatly, "it really makes me feel wanted and needed y'know."

The colonel was smiling at him now, eyes slitted, head tilted to one side.

"I do want you and need you," he said soft and husky, "and cut me a little slack, it's not like I've ever bottomed for anyone, so maybe I'm nervous, too."

"Who's nervous?" Ed challenged, feeling his own cheeks heat.

"We both are, and we've no need to be. It's just you and just me, and we're lovers, now come up here and let's make love," the colonel said softly.

And Ed crawled forward into his arms.

* * *

The colonel let Ed tug him down into the pillows, he grinned up at him as he did it and Ed scowled his lovely scowl.

"What are you grinning about?" Ed snorted.

"I'm so flattered," the colonel said, "you studied up just so you could make love to me?"

"Well yeah," Ed said averting his eyes even as he spread Roy's legs, "I don't want to, y'know, damage you or anything."

"And by damage you mean... not satisfy me? I don't think you have to worry about that," the colonel said, grinning slipping to a smile, "You satisfy me by just being you."

Ed fumbled with the cap of the lube rather than answer. For some reason his throat felt funny and his chest felt fluttery and why the fuck was Roy saying all this mushy crap. It's not like Ed needed to hear all that mushy crap, _(but he never told the colonel to shut up, did he?)_ he was pretty confident in the colonel's affections for him.

He almost dropped the lube and the fluttering in his chest tightened to almost a fist.

Oh fuck...oh fuck...he was, he was confident in it, wasn't he? He knew it. He really knew it. The colonel loved him, and fuck that was just...it was just...

Oh please fornication gods, if there were any, since he no longer spoke to the god of his youth any god would do. Please, please fornication gods, don't let him fuck this up. Let him fuck, just not mess it up.

Thank you, amen.

Ed quickly reviewed his internal check list for good sex. The colonel looked relaxed, they were in the bed, there was lube, the lights were low. He was horny, the colonel was horny...anything else? No, it looked good to proceed. He lubed his fingers up and pushed one of the colonel's knees up.

Now all he had to do was work his fingers into the colonel's... well into the colonel's...right there where the colonel sat all the time.

It struck him that while grapefruit might have been good to practice on, on the average they really didn't compare to the real thing. Because well, it was a fruit and this was... another persons anatomy and traditionally things didn't go _in_ this part. Ed briefly contemplated using his automail. Then brilliance struck, _(because he was so very)_.

"Where are the condoms?" Ed asked, suspended there, holding up Roy's knee.

"We're both clean and we know it," the colonel murmured, "you don't have to use one. That's why we had that blood test..."

"I KNOW," Ed interrupted loudly, "I uh...I want one for my finger Oh, oh no wait, I have a better idea," Ed perked up, dropped Roy's knee and clapped his hands.

"What? What," the colonel flailed, because obviously he didn't like the use of alchemy so close to his naked and rather vulnerable anatomy, or rather the part of his anatomy he seemed to prize overly.

Ed held up the freshly transmuted glove-from-sheet and slipped it over his hand. But now the lube was under the glove, so he got the lube again and wet the finger of the glove down well. He then pushed the colonel's knee back up, took a deep breath and just as he got his finger where he wanted it to go he closed his eyes, so he didn't have to watch.

It must have been _really_ good, because the colonel made this loud strangled sound and clawed at the sheets beneath them. Ed risked a glance as he kept pressing in, _(shouldn't the lube make this easier, or no wait, maybe the colonel is just really tight. After all, he was a tight ass, ha ha)_ and noticed the colonel grimacing and biting his lip. Then the colonel reached back and grabbed the headboard.

Headboard grabbing was something Ed did when it was_REALLY_ good. He grabbed the headboard to keep from grabbing the colonel and causing fractures with his automail. And here he was afraid sex was going to be difficult.

So, now he was suppose to find that place that made all this anal probing worth while. He squared his jaw and started feeling around, all the while steadfastly avoiding thinking about what he had his finger feeling around in. The colonel made all sorts of interesting noises as he did this, and then he remembered he was suppose to get a second finger in there and scissor them to loosen the colonel up.

Now the colonel's sounds got really loud and the headboard rattled against the wall and the colonel's knee slammed against Ed's hip. Ed often flailed his own limbs in encouragement. Many times he had shoved his heels into the colonel's lower back to get him closer, deeper, harder. So the hip slamming must be the colonel's version of closer, deeper, harder and Ed found himself starting to get very antsy. His cock had been on again, off again all evening, and not it was on again and ready for a little action.

He yanked his fingers out and the colonel just sagged. He seemed to try to melt into the mattress and he gave Ed this look that sorta reminded him of small defenseless things facing great peril, but maybe he was misinterpreting that, because after all, he never really got a good look at the colonel when they were going at it like jackhammers.

"Don't worry," Ed cajoled, "I'm not through with you by a long shot," the he groped around for the lube again and tried to get the glove off his hand without really looking at it or touching it. The colonel eyes widened just slightly and then they squeezed shut and he seemed to grip the headboard tighter.

See? Studying paid off, it always did.

Ed got himself messy with the lube and kept having to wipe it up and down and up and down and that was feeling pretty good. In fact, it was feeling so good he settled down onto his heels to do it for a few minutes more, after all, he wanted to be nice and slick for the colonel. He glanced at the colonel as he did it, and the colonel was watching him intently now. The colonel even wet his lips and started to try and get in a sitting position. This made Ed realize he was jacking off, DAMMIT, how was he suppose to be an accomplished and experienced lover when he got distracted by his own fucking hand. It was also embarrassing as fuck, so to compensate for said embarrassment, he snarled at the colonel and pounced on him to knock him flat onto his back again.

The colonel gave a little yelp of surprise and then Ed reached down, hooked his hands behind the colonel's knees and proceeded to try to fold the man in half flat enough to stuff in an envelope. So he wanted to watch Ed yank on his own cock, did he? See how much gawking he could do with his knees behind his ears.

Actually Ed loved having his own knees behind his ears during sex. He loved the loud sound of flesh slapping flesh when the colonel got really frenzied. He loved it so much he had to hump a little against the man before he was even in, and fuck did that feel good, too. Fuck he just loved to rub against things when he was this turned on, just think of how great it was going to be for Roy when he really got to business. It took a few moments to realize he hadn't really gotten to business, so he leaned forward enough where he could hook Roy's knees over his shoulders, then reached between his own legs to get a hold of himself, _(but not to yank on himself, ugh, how embarrassing)_.

"Ed, I think we should take this slow," the colonel said then, the first thing he'd said since the encounter began. He voice was kinda high and funny.

"Yeah, ok, whatever," Ed told him, poking around to find the right place to go. He knew where it was, but it was kinda hard to find it without looking for it.

"It's just, you know, it's been a long time since I've taken it and I'm not as flexible as you," the colonel continued, still sounding choked up. The colonel could be mushy, but this was downright emotional, was getting fucked that much of a spiritual thing for him? Maybe it was, Ed had never really thought to ask because, well, it just wasn't something that crossed his mind. He wasn't what you'd call insensitive but he was a bit socially awkward. But still, the colonel was another _guy_, despite being kinda girly about certain things. Guys didn't go around being all enlightened and shit. But then again, sex was kinda a spiritual thing if you thought about it. So he should be touched and say something bordering on mushy but still sufficiently macho.

"Aw, look I know you got some years on you, but you're still great in the sack," Ed cooed. "You'll be just fine, trust me, it's been great so far."

The colonel gave him a look that defied explanation and it was that same moment Ed found what he'd been probing for; it was a moment of truth. They stared at each other without words, because they were men, and being men, words were few because they were carefully chosen and not just gushed.

"Don't think you have to rush this or anything," the colonel blurted.

"You know, does this qualify for being a virgin again? I mean for me?" Ed countered. "It being a first time and all?"

At that precise moment something caused Ed to rock forward, and in doing so, Ed pressed inside and there wasn't a force in heaven, hell, nature or creation that could keep him from following through. And the colonel yodeled, just like Ed did when the colonel was getting seated nice and deep.

He must really be good at this. It was times like these when that damn prodigy label really seemed to make sense.

The colonel kept opening and closing his mouth, kind of like a fish out of water imitation, and he made a lot of half formed words, but by that time Ed was working up to mach speed. The bed creaked and groaned, the headboard was thumping out a good dance rhythm against the wall and life was fucking _great_.

Why hadn't he tried this sooner? This was just how he liked it, only usually he was on Roy's end of the deal. It was just as great being the do-er as the do-ee. It was a lot more work, but he wasn't a slacker. And when Roy was on this end? He wasn't a slacker, either. In fact he was a lot more hands on than Ed had been. He did a lot more of that foreplay stuff then Ed had done, but it didn't matter now, oh fuck not now when Ed was just sheathed in heat and tightness and the only though in his mind was to get as deep as he possible could be; to somehow make himself one with the man beneath him.

Roy always made him feel consumed. Roy always made him feel like the most desired thing in existence. The memories of Roy hanging over him, moving between his legs... that could sustain him through some of the worst shit he'd ever faced. He tilted his head back, closed his eyes and to his surprise it was more the though of Roy doing _him_, than the reality of him doing Roy that took him over the edge. He half shrieked and to his gratification heard Roy shriek along with him.

Not only had he been really good at this, his timing was perfect.

* * *

"Ed, Ed, look at me, no come on now, look at me," Roy couldn't really sit comfortably, but he tried, he stretched to rub Ed's back, but Ed shied away, face hidden in his hands.

"I'm a sexual failure. Fuck, why didn't you say anything? I don't even want to see that survey after you fill it out now," Ed said, muffled behind his hands.

"It's alright, it was your first time after all," Roy said, trying to be soothing and keep the strain out of his voice.

"I'm such an idiot," Ed's muffled voice continued, "I should have known you didn't like it rough. I'm a freak, so that's just the way I like it. I didn't even think to ask you how you wanted me to do anything because I'm so damn full of myself all the time. I'm not sensitive like you are, and I don't mean you're girly or anything like that. How can I be someone else's lover and not even know what they like? Fuck, I am a jerk no matter what Al says," Ed moaned.

"Ed, stop beating yourself up, you know I hate that," Roy sighed, leaning gingerly back into the pillows. "It's not like you did this on purpose; everyone makes mistakes. God knows I stumbled my way through many sexual encounters before I became the expert I am today," He grinned when Ed jerked his hands away from his face and turned to look at him.

"I fucking hate it when you're so understanding," Ed grumbled, "You just make me feel that much worse, I wish you'd yell at me or something. Tell me what a moron I am. What can I do for you? Tell me I'll do anything," Ed said then, sobering a little.

He looked so sad and so sincere in those moments, Roy would have forgiven him for anything; like say accidental disemboweling with his automail blade. As long as Ed apologized with that look on his face afterwards, Roy would have gladly died.

"You need more pillows? Something to drink? I could put some lotion on you if you wanted," Ed offered.

"No, No, no no no, I'll be ok," Roy said, rolling up onto his side. "How about you lie down here with me, forgive yourself already and let me hold you, that will make me feel better," Roy patted the bed beside him.

Ed looked doubtful, but in the end he crawled over and let the colonel pull him against his chest.

"I'm really sorry," Ed said mournfully, "but you know, it was kinda weird. When I was doing it an all, the only thing I thought about was being in your position, y'know, being the sex-ee."

"Is that so?" Roy murmured, trying to wish his throbbing ass into subsidence.

"Yeah, so you know, in light of this whole thing...I think I might like it better being the sex-ee instead of the sex-or. But thanks for letting me find out through experimentation. You know how I am when something is nagging at me. If I got an itch I gotta scratch it."

"I'm feeling better already," the colonel said, "much, much better. I 'm glad you like being the sex-ee, because I really like being the sex-or."

"That's a good arrangement," Ed nodded, "let's just keep it that way. We'll chalk this up to a fluke."

"And never mention it again," Roy agreed, stroking over Ed's back with one hand lazily.

"You'll take all this making up to you stuff into account on the survey, right?" Ed asked with a yawn. "Like y'know, I made the effort to be sensitive and girly and shit, right?"

"I'll consider it an extra points activity," Roy reassured him.

Ed nuzzled in close. "You're the best," he purred to Roy's chest, "I guess I don't deserve you or something."

"Or something," Roy agreed before they both drifted off to sleep.

fini

**Omake**

"Sir, there is one more item that needs your attention."

Roy glanced up at his first lieutenant. She was looking a bit more severe that usual. He shifted a bit uncomfortably in his chair, wondering what he'd done this time. He'd tried to be on time, _(Ed made that a daily battle)_, he'd tried to finish his paperwork in a timely manner, _(and often did if Ed were out on a mission)_, he was even hiding from her less often. Yet here she stood, straighter than a ramrod with a damnable piece of paper in her hand.

"What would that be, First Lieutenant?" the colonel ventured. He just kept telling himself he outranked her, as if that made a damn bit of difference.

"You've over looked a survey," she supplied, "it reads at the top that it is 'mandatory'."

Roy cocked and eyebrow and held his hand out for the paper. She gave it to him promptly, but she didn't move away or change her expression. Roy laid it on his desk, eyed her a bit more than dropped his eyes to the paper.

The title of the survey was: Anal Penetration. An exploratory survey to collect data to enhance the experience in the future. Then of course, Ed being Ed, had put in: As conducted by Edward Elric, State Alchemist.

"I'm sure this isn't meant for me," Roy said, smooth as silk, "I think Ed got my inbox mixed up with Havoc's inbox again. He's forever doing that you know, always just... misplacing things and putting Havoc's things in my inbox and..." Roy waved his hand, "you're not buying this, are you?" he said.

"No sir, not at all," she said calmly enough. "Shall we say a five second head start?"

"Can we make it ten? I think that's only sporting seeing as the author of this survey had caused me grievious injury in more ways then one. I'm still a little stiff, I should make a note about this on his survey," the colonel said.

"I'll even change clips before I load the round," the first lieutenant offered generously.

"This is why I should have never given up women," the colonel said, then threw himself out of the chair and ran from the room. 


End file.
